Can't really bother to see which day is today.

I'm about to write about this for sometime but it keep letting it go... Not today.

I feel ruthless.
Almost on the verge of being cruel.

Can you remember Col. Quaritch from Avatar? He's ruthless. He's a bit too awesome for a meaningful comparison, but he's ruthless as hell.

I can almost understand why some people with a very strong need to succeed end up being ruthless. Its hard to understand those things until you end up on a position where failure is not acceptable. It can even be acceptable to others, but it is not for yourself. The day you find yourself on a large enterprise that you CANNOT let go bad because that's what you agreed with yourself, shits is most likely to get ruthless at some point.

That's a bit how I feel. I have to get my certs, move to another country and get a job. This is my life. My little big plan. Its a bold plan. How many 21 year olds you know these days that are driven as fuck to get an enterprise certification by themselves and then move to another country and gamble employment? Not as many as there should be, lemme tell you.

I don't wanna over dramatize my balls, but you need big balls to do that. And its not the "Woah, that's bold!" thing. Its the time it takes. Its the iron mind it takes. Its the waking up everyday during months to study the same damn thing, day after day, everning after evening. And the doubt that tries to sets in. And the risk of it all going wrong in the long run. And another more day, studying the same things. Being ruthless is not about one insane move, its about hundreds of them, and mad, mad plans.

That's how I feel. The more the shits hit the fan, the harder I get. Its backfiring a bit, I'm not sleeping well and being a bit rude. But oh well, I can't improve linearly all the time.

I'm proud of where this is going though, even if it goes to hell.

18/03/2011. Day 20/21

I have little to say. Spent too much time on darknets. They're not worth that much. I can't concentrate myself well enough on studies, I'm moving too slow, too tired, too heavy.

I don't have much to say. So I'll leave a badass quote which has been on my mind for a while:

Price: The healthy human mind doesn't wake up in the morning thinking this is it's last day on Earth. But I think that's a luxury, not a curse. To know you're close to the end is a kind of freedom. Good time to take... inventory. Outgunned. Outnumbered. Out of our minds on a suicide mission, but the sands and rocks here stained with thousands of years of warfare... they will remember us for this. Because out of all our vast array of nightmares, this is the one we choose for ourselves. We go forward like a breath exhaled from the Earth. With vigor in our hearts and one goal in sight: We will kill him.

16/03/2011. Day 15/16/17/18/19

Wild days man, wild days.

I managed to get into a darknet. You read about it in many places on the internet but you never find one. Well, I found one. They're not as exciting as they seem. So I spent most of the time talking to people, making things work and seeing how everything functioned. Time flew, two or three days merged completely. Also, someone setup a decent FTP on the /g/ board, I spent a lot of time trying to get my VPS to write on it, figuring out what worked best, what didn't work... etc. A lot didn't work because the connection between the VPS I own and the FTP is terrible. I have to get a better VPS. I'm sadly better of uploading things from my own home after all. Uploading a 2.2GB mp4 rip of Natural Born Killers, ETA 22h. One does what one can.

I also went crazy on perl. I spent something close to two days writing a client-server program that handles multiple connections. Its not rocket science, but I'm not a programmer in the first place. Its currently working, I even mailed the beginner mailing list on which I got some rather retarded answers. I still have to develop it further though.

And LPI? Close to nothing. I'm on some boring chapter about setting up network interfaces and routing and all that boring stuff. Its boring because I've done it over 9000 times. I have to start pushing a bit faster on it, even if I end up skipping a couple of things. There's just so much going on and I'm learning so much, LPI seems terribly boring and useless at this point. Which it isn't. Oh, life.

My training is going good too. I'm running like crazy and I managed to do a nice chest/triceps/abs workout yesterday, tried new exercises. Today I'll try to find a way to do a hard back workout.

Oh and Atlas Shrugged. Very awesome and very motivational book. What I've read on the last days? Nothing. There's just so many cool things going on, its hard to allocate time for everything.

I'm probably forgetting something. Can't recall everything.

I think I'll go outside and look at nothing for a while and think of what to do next. Its a very beautiful day.

11/03/2011. Day 14.

A resonable day.

Managed to run on the rain and everything. Ran pretty fast, satisfied.

I couldn't concentrate much during the day while finishing a perl chapter and starting another chapter on LPI. I did study a reasonable amount, not too little, but not too much either. But something missed. It didn't get to the desired level of awesomeness.

I feel like the last days have been too slow, too grey, too mild... I don't like this. They're looking all the same. I'm not going to bed with that "fuck yeah" feeling., I saw a video today from Sgt.. Ken about all his fitness training and discipline and all of that. I felt ashamed of myself. I'm letting myself get too distracted, I'm accomplishing decently, but I could be accomplishing much more. This seems needs some fixing.

Tomorrow I'm up 8am, again. Sadly, in none of the past days I actually managed to wake up 8am. Its always between 9 and 11. This is not right. This is not what I aimed for. I am unhappy about this. I fear being too perfectionist, but hopefully this is not a case.

Tomorrow I'll wake up 8am and do something crazy, like push ups maybe. Then study time will be study time, nothing else. I'll try hard this time, see if I can get somewhere better than where I am now.

10/03/2011. Day 13.

Woke up 8am, tired. Slept till 11am. Did absolutely nothing but fuck around until 14h.

Went out with mom, made some random bank deposit, got the computer fans, went to the supermarket. Got back home, spent some hours trying to manage the best noise/cooling setup. Finish it. Wander around the internet for the rest of the night. Tired. Going to bed.

Tomorrow, moar. And massive suicidal workout, finish the current perl chapter, start lpi networking, fuck yeah.

09/03/2011. Day 12.

Short post today.

Almost died from sleep during the whole day. I think it has to do with eating too little. I'm eating well, but too little. I'm training too hard for too little food it seems. Tomorrow I'll eat like an animal, see if this improves.

I'll go to sleep right now too, can't stay up for too long.

I fixed my pullup bar (its even now), shaved my head (thanks mom) and read some newspapers from spain. I could only progress through 10 pages of perl today, mostly due to the whole sleepness thing. I couldn't concentrate, at all. I got pissed off, but well.

Also, I ran like crazy today. I don't know what happened, I ran hilariously fast and then had to stop, I almost bursted. Almost. Tomorrow I'll try again.

Tomorrow I'll also go get the computer fans I've been waiting for. Its gonna be a productive day I hope.

08/03/2011. Day 11.

dayToday I'm posting a bit earlier, I'm not doing to usual midnight post, its 19:40 now.

I had a couple of thoughts yesterday night before sleeping and today throughout the day. Mainly regarding the company of others and my sense of purpose.

Last night I was invited to party on a friends workplace, it was his boss' birthday. He said it would be pretty cool, I took his word for it, but didn't go. Another close friend of mine also went there and did the usual to try and convince me but it was of no use, I had decided already, I was to stay at home.

Now why did I stay at home? I stayed at home because I needed to study. I needed to focus. I needed to do what I had to do. I'm on a mission. Its the mission of my of life! I can't go around partying like there's no tomorrow. For the things I need to do and for the time I have, Its like there is no tomorrow already.

This is where I see myself most differently from others my age. They look strange, like aimless pleasure seekers, just grabbing the next thing that comes by and trying to squeeze some joy out of it. Like if they didnt' know what they were doing on a big picture. I'm not saying I never saw them study, I'm saying I never saw them skip a party to study. Not because they had to, but because they were driven. Because their mind was so ironed that it was the thing that had to be done, and parties, beers and titties would have to wait their turn. I'm not praising obsession, I'm remarking the lack of drive to things other than immediate pleasure. There's no mission, no drive, no constant improvement, no pride over shed blood. This for me is half life missing already

That's one thing, and I'm talking about my friends. My male friends. The other thing is about women in general. They seem so broken these days. I can't find one who has a some intelligence AND emotional firmness. I'm not asking for a wall of bricks, those are boring. I'm asking for someone stable mentally. Who has their shit together. Who knows what she wants.

You see, when I see women I tend to think of a partner. Not something equal to me, but a partner. Someone who I can help, and someone who can help me. Someone who I can have her back, who I can trust, who I know won't fuck up, and so on, so I can offer that in return too. This is by far the rarest thing I can perceive as of now in my young days. I don't know, I'm not a vast connoisseur of the nature of the universe, someone probably figured this out. I did not. What I see is that they all want to be fixed. They want to be helped, they want to be pleased, and they don't give much in return. They want love, affection and sex because they are irresistible in their minds, not because we're in this together, not because those are our means to our end, and our end is to be together. They want you, not because of the nature of you, but because of what you can provide. Because of what you can be for them. Not because of who you are to yourself. A man seems to be only the means.

I find this terribly sad. I know it cannot be like this with every woman, but it is with most of who are available. By available I mean 20-35, not a fatass, with half a brain and who can relate to me in some way (ex: not a martian). Some of them don't even seem to be conscious of their own nature. Of they way they operate. Its terrifying. There's no use fighting evolutionary psychology. Rich men will always have lots of women throwing themselves at them, but something is wrong. I don't what, I don't know how to fix it, but something is wrong. Perhaps it is just the nature of life, trying to get by with the least amount of energy, and I'm just making drama out of all this.

I had this rather lengthy thought because yesterday my male friends met some girls girls at said party, and I browsed around the internet for them and they have the, hm, "internet-impression" I'm calling it of total whores. This one has an avatar of red lips swallowing a banana and the other one has a saying that goes "2011 - year of the rabbit. Use condoms". Now what in Dawkins' name is that? What's up with all the attention whoring? Why trying to look like something I hope you're not? And if you are, just... fuck man. I see so many other things to life than a mouth swallowing a banana man. I just can't quite grasp all this. This pleasure seeking seems void to me.

Some of the things men do I can relate with. Like the ones I do myself, such as understanding machines for the sake of it. But women are incomprehensible on their pursuits to me.

Which finally made me conclude: I know why you are alone, Mr. Calvo. You are alone because you want it. You don't want to want it, but you do. And you want it because its the best move you can make: To remain on your own. Because the company of red-lips-on-banana ain't getting you anywhere. And it bothers you so much because you have somewhere to be. And you are in a damn hurry.

07/03/2011. Day 10.

I didn't post yesterday, I was too tired. I think I'm half with a floo and also tired because I'm trying to get my sleep pattern right. I used to wake up midday and go to sleep 3-5am. Now I'm going to bed at 1am and waking up at 9am. Its not as drastic as whatever but its still tough. I didn't manage to study, write or nothing yesterday. I was like a zombie, pushing forward but not moving. That made me angry.

But I woke up feeling well today. I managed to study a satisfactory (wrote to pages maybe) and by tomorrow I shall finish LVM which is by far one of the biggest and most boring subjects on that certification. After that the content changes to network configuration, those are more generalistic and useful, I know them pretty well.

With luck. Wait, no luck. If I manage to do everything well I'll wake up in time tomorrow and have a productive day. I'll enforce the 6 hour study time limit in order to better manage my study time (no interruptions). If I don't limit myself I'll spend all day and night studying and that just doesn't work for more than three or four days. I have a couple of months ahead still.

Alrite, I'll go have a bath, shave, read and roll around on bed till I sleep. Today was a so-so day, I'm having trouble on having continuance on awesome days. I can only have two or three per week and the rest of the time I'm just dead tired and can't accomplish nothing. I'll try new things tomorrow and see if I can get myself to some point of sustainable awesomeness.

Good night.

05/03/2011. Day 8.

I'm tired, but I'm okay. Had a mediocre day, studied without much intensity.

Did fifty burpees in twenty minutes though. I'm dead.

Not much today, tomorrow, 9am.

04/03/2011. Day 7.

It was set to be awesome day, but I woke up finished already.

8am, the bastard rang unmercifully. I sat at my bed and damn, I was tired. I wasn't just lazy tired, no, I was truly exausted. I needed rest. So I slept until kinda around 10am and left bed to eat breakfast. I can't clearly remember what happened next, I remember checking email and the usual starting-the-day stuff. Then I got to drill some extra holes on sisters' pc so that the side panel could actually close (the case is almost old as I am) and I fixed the cars window too. It fell inside the door, the electric engine that opens and closes the glass is broken, so for some reason the window fell open. Well, it won't open any more, but its closed at least.

At 15h I went off to study and it just didn't happen. I couldn't think properly at all. I was too tired, I just noticed I studied a lot for four days in a row, this was bound to happen. So at 17h I accepted my fate, I could do nothing else but rest today. And accepting the fact that I had to rest made me less tired already. I playes some SC2, some crysis, took a shower, its 21am and here I am. I'm gonna finish this, brush my teeth, take a piss and go read moar Ayn Rand.

03/03/2011. Day 6.

Failed the awesome day wake-up call from the alarm. I'm so awesome I managed to shut it down. Sleeping. I don't even recall doing it. So I woke up mid-day feeling "OH FUCK, WHAT HAS HAPPENED!". Well, what happened is that you did not wake up, lazy twat.

So the day started at midday and I chilled around a bit, ate my toasts with butter, ate some milk with more powder milk and some oatmeal (we're out of yogurts) which tastes almost good and went back to my room. Sometime around 15h the Perl train got back in business. I studied until 20h when faced with a seemingly impossible to solve (read: me not knowing the language shortcuts) hash problem. At 20h I gave up, read the answer and went "oh, he didn't teach that." but I wasn't angry. Then It was time to chill out. I played some Starcraft 2, its getting a bit boring already. I didn't workout today because the burpee workout (which I have been postponing) is scheduled to tomorrow. And since I miserably failed awesome-day wake-up call today (a serious offense to the universe) I'm going to try and do burpees IN THE MORNING. I am very slow on mornings. This cannot possibly go well, I'm excited already. Okay, now that I'm seriously thinking of, this might actually be a bad idea. We'll see how things roll tomorrow. Maybe I get to feel invencible, but I doubt that.

But anyway after playing SC2 it was 23h and I didn't know what to do. I ended up starting the first chapter on regular expressions and finishing it around 00:40. I'm on page 117. On day two. Tomorrow things will probably slow down a bit since I'll stumple upon some difficult things. Or I'll go crazy and do a whole chapter for LPI. Yeah, the latter seems more likely.

Its 01am and I have to shave and go read, then sleep. I'm with a video on Youtube on another tab with a guy named Martin Tallstrom playing Forever Young. Such beautiful piece. Working with what you like sure is awesome, but man, you gotta stop to see the world turn sometime.

02/03/2011. Day 5.

Rather slow day. Woke up very late. Drank my coffe at my table, checked emails, slashdot, 4chan, chilled out a bit, made a couple of long farts and mumbled "meh".

At 16h things started to get going, after many days of "Its not time yet to decide that" I finally got back to Perl. Since I'm studying a lot and studying is my only mission, if I wanna get proficient in Perl, the time is now. And its such an awesome language -- if you're going to program and you're not at least acquaintanced with Perl -- you're offending the universe.

Tomorrow I intend to study a bit more of Perl and keep going. I wanna see if I can do some regexps on Apache logs and blacklist IPs or something of that nature. And do that on TCPdump too, to see whats happening. This remembered me that after all headaches, stresses and everything, I enjoy making technology work immensely.

Today I had a brief moment of questioning my goals. They're fine goals, but they're hard and they take long to accomplish. Too hard and too long and you'll start questioning your choices somewhere down the road. I talked with mom a bit and it seems it was just doubt-vulgaris, nothing serious.

I just remembered I ought to take pictures of some things I want to post here. I'll go take some tomorrow and post them here slowly. Most of them were broken things I fixed. Well, most of them were broken things not meant to be fixed. That's the beauty of it.

I'll go to bed and read Ayn Rand - Attlas Shrugged. I bought it mainly for the philosophy whilist thinking "well, this might be a tad hard to digest" but no! Its so well written! Its awesome to read and its easy going. Philosophy set asside, seems like a good novel. I'm only thirty pages into it, so I can't say much for now.

Today also the rope on my pushup bar broke. I managed to get some spare and fix it in 10 minutes or so. That deserves a picture as well. There will be one then.

Alright, not such a bad day now that I look at it. Tomorrow is awesome day again. The clock is set. 8am. I know him, and he is not mercyful. I better go to bed already.

01/03/2011. Day 4.

I made a callendar for this month, I named it"Calendar of Awesome". Just looking a it makes me chuckle. I forgot to write yesterday. I studied a lot, whole day. I did get a lot of satisfaction from it, and the fact that I was completely exausted by night showed that I was productive. Then gamed my ass until 3am or so. Woke up late as hell today, teached sister the fine art of coffee-making. Today is another day, I'll write about today later on.

I did promise myself about it being "A day worth being lived" and that it was. I must learn how to do that for every day.

28/02/2011. Day 3.

Did little. Could study RAID by an unsatisfatory amount of time (2 hours only), mainly because I got into the productivity loop late as fuck (around 15h). Then I had to go buy some groceries 'cause mom was sick. She's getting better though.

Then I did a shitton pushups and went off to run. And man did I run well. My cardio is getting pretty impressive, I'm approaching top shape ever in two weeks or so probably. I still wanna do the beach run (10km) as If I was running from the cops. I can do it already, but it would take an hour and something. That will take some time. A hard goal, but what else is new.

I'm also taking care of my eating and I'm getting thiner everyday. Its not as fast as it sounds, but I'm gonna be as thin as I ever was since I started training in a month maybe. And I'm eating a lot. And getting thinner. Hell yeah.

My strenght training is not going as well as I planned though. Maybe because I have no weights, I have to do calisthenics for everything. Maybe. Maybe not. Either way thats not an excuse, tomorrow is burpee day and I intend on trying to kill myself doing them. I'll try to train harder next time, specially my back, and I'll find a way to make pushups get hard.

For my displeasure, I had to spend more time on the graphics card today again. I tried to ressurrect the factory fan with some grafitti lube. No luck, it still vibrates and sounds like, well, broken. I went back to the old setup and changed the way the fans were positioned and managed to make the card almost from 5 to 10 degrees cooler. I bought five more fans from MercadoLivre today. This shit will go off flying, but it will go off flying off cool. I can't let that card fry, gaming is my last resort on trying to keep and regain sanity.

The clock is set to go off at 8am. WELL FUCK YEAH. I can feel tomorrow being awesome already.

Now if you excuse me I'll go game a bit, read, and try to sleep.

27/02/2011. Day 2.

oSpent all day putting together a fan for my graphics card, the factory one died.

Those problems with an absurd sense of urgency that eat up your whole day are terrible.

Its like I just woke up but only got 3 hours to do whatever it is I wanna do.

Meh.
Tomorrow will be a better day.

26/02/2011. Day 1.

I decided to start a jornal. A diary of sorts, to keep my memories written down somewhere as I find myself forgetting more than I would like. All the years I lived back in the past are each passing day more distant and more vague. Then, for future record perhaps, I decided that I would be worthwhile to write everyday -- as to not forget what the days once were like -- be it for me or for whoever might be interested. Speaking of whoever, I'm making this public as opposed to a physical piece of paper. Time will tell if that's a good move. Actually, time will tell if this is worth of itself.

Maybe all this will not let me forget, which is valuable. I'm very sure I'm going to end up very far from where I am right now with a very different environment. I can't let myself forget this one.

I have much to say, but I think this is enough for the first day. Tomorrow I will write more.