Can't really bother to see which day is today.
I'm about to write about this for sometime but it keep letting it go... Not today.
I feel ruthless.
Almost on the verge of being cruel.
Can you remember Col. Quaritch from Avatar? He's ruthless. He's a bit too awesome for a meaningful comparison, but he's ruthless as hell.
I can almost understand why some people with a very strong need to succeed end up being ruthless. Its hard to understand those things until you end up on a position where failure is not acceptable. It can even be acceptable to others, but it is not for yourself. The day you find yourself on a large enterprise that you CANNOT let go bad because that's what you agreed with yourself, shits is most likely to get ruthless at some point.
That's a bit how I feel. I have to get my certs, move to another country and get a job. This is my life. My little big plan. Its a bold plan. How many 21 year olds you know these days that are driven as fuck to get an enterprise certification by themselves and then move to another country and gamble employment? Not as many as there should be, lemme tell you.
I don't wanna over dramatize my balls, but you need big balls to do that. And its not the "Woah, that's bold!" thing. Its the time it takes. Its the iron mind it takes. Its the waking up everyday during months to study the same damn thing, day after day, everning after evening. And the doubt that tries to sets in. And the risk of it all going wrong in the long run. And another more day, studying the same things. Being ruthless is not about one insane move, its about hundreds of them, and mad, mad plans.
That's how I feel. The more the shits hit the fan, the harder I get. Its backfiring a bit, I'm not sleeping well and being a bit rude. But oh well, I can't improve linearly all the time.
I'm proud of where this is going though, even if it goes to hell.
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Monday, 21 March 2011
Tuesday, 8 March 2011
08/03/2011. Day 11.
dayToday I'm posting a bit earlier, I'm not doing to usual midnight post, its 19:40 now.
I had a couple of thoughts yesterday night before sleeping and today throughout the day. Mainly regarding the company of others and my sense of purpose.
Last night I was invited to party on a friends workplace, it was his boss' birthday. He said it would be pretty cool, I took his word for it, but didn't go. Another close friend of mine also went there and did the usual to try and convince me but it was of no use, I had decided already, I was to stay at home.
Now why did I stay at home? I stayed at home because I needed to study. I needed to focus. I needed to do what I had to do. I'm on a mission. Its the mission of my of life! I can't go around partying like there's no tomorrow. For the things I need to do and for the time I have, Its like there is no tomorrow already.
This is where I see myself most differently from others my age. They look strange, like aimless pleasure seekers, just grabbing the next thing that comes by and trying to squeeze some joy out of it. Like if they didnt' know what they were doing on a big picture. I'm not saying I never saw them study, I'm saying I never saw them skip a party to study. Not because they had to, but because they were driven. Because their mind was so ironed that it was the thing that had to be done, and parties, beers and titties would have to wait their turn. I'm not praising obsession, I'm remarking the lack of drive to things other than immediate pleasure. There's no mission, no drive, no constant improvement, no pride over shed blood. This for me is half life missing already
That's one thing, and I'm talking about my friends. My male friends. The other thing is about women in general. They seem so broken these days. I can't find one who has a some intelligence AND emotional firmness. I'm not asking for a wall of bricks, those are boring. I'm asking for someone stable mentally. Who has their shit together. Who knows what she wants.
You see, when I see women I tend to think of a partner. Not something equal to me, but a partner. Someone who I can help, and someone who can help me. Someone who I can have her back, who I can trust, who I know won't fuck up, and so on, so I can offer that in return too. This is by far the rarest thing I can perceive as of now in my young days. I don't know, I'm not a vast connoisseur of the nature of the universe, someone probably figured this out. I did not. What I see is that they all want to be fixed. They want to be helped, they want to be pleased, and they don't give much in return. They want love, affection and sex because they are irresistible in their minds, not because we're in this together, not because those are our means to our end, and our end is to be together. They want you, not because of the nature of you, but because of what you can provide. Because of what you can be for them. Not because of who you are to yourself. A man seems to be only the means.
I find this terribly sad. I know it cannot be like this with every woman, but it is with most of who are available. By available I mean 20-35, not a fatass, with half a brain and who can relate to me in some way (ex: not a martian). Some of them don't even seem to be conscious of their own nature. Of they way they operate. Its terrifying. There's no use fighting evolutionary psychology. Rich men will always have lots of women throwing themselves at them, but something is wrong. I don't what, I don't know how to fix it, but something is wrong. Perhaps it is just the nature of life, trying to get by with the least amount of energy, and I'm just making drama out of all this.
I had this rather lengthy thought because yesterday my male friends met some girls girls at said party, and I browsed around the internet for them and they have the, hm, "internet-impression" I'm calling it of total whores. This one has an avatar of red lips swallowing a banana and the other one has a saying that goes "2011 - year of the rabbit. Use condoms". Now what in Dawkins' name is that? What's up with all the attention whoring? Why trying to look like something I hope you're not? And if you are, just... fuck man. I see so many other things to life than a mouth swallowing a banana man. I just can't quite grasp all this. This pleasure seeking seems void to me.
Some of the things men do I can relate with. Like the ones I do myself, such as understanding machines for the sake of it. But women are incomprehensible on their pursuits to me.
Which finally made me conclude: I know why you are alone, Mr. Calvo. You are alone because you want it. You don't want to want it, but you do. And you want it because its the best move you can make: To remain on your own. Because the company of red-lips-on-banana ain't getting you anywhere. And it bothers you so much because you have somewhere to be. And you are in a damn hurry.
I had a couple of thoughts yesterday night before sleeping and today throughout the day. Mainly regarding the company of others and my sense of purpose.
Last night I was invited to party on a friends workplace, it was his boss' birthday. He said it would be pretty cool, I took his word for it, but didn't go. Another close friend of mine also went there and did the usual to try and convince me but it was of no use, I had decided already, I was to stay at home.
Now why did I stay at home? I stayed at home because I needed to study. I needed to focus. I needed to do what I had to do. I'm on a mission. Its the mission of my of life! I can't go around partying like there's no tomorrow. For the things I need to do and for the time I have, Its like there is no tomorrow already.
This is where I see myself most differently from others my age. They look strange, like aimless pleasure seekers, just grabbing the next thing that comes by and trying to squeeze some joy out of it. Like if they didnt' know what they were doing on a big picture. I'm not saying I never saw them study, I'm saying I never saw them skip a party to study. Not because they had to, but because they were driven. Because their mind was so ironed that it was the thing that had to be done, and parties, beers and titties would have to wait their turn. I'm not praising obsession, I'm remarking the lack of drive to things other than immediate pleasure. There's no mission, no drive, no constant improvement, no pride over shed blood. This for me is half life missing already
That's one thing, and I'm talking about my friends. My male friends. The other thing is about women in general. They seem so broken these days. I can't find one who has a some intelligence AND emotional firmness. I'm not asking for a wall of bricks, those are boring. I'm asking for someone stable mentally. Who has their shit together. Who knows what she wants.
You see, when I see women I tend to think of a partner. Not something equal to me, but a partner. Someone who I can help, and someone who can help me. Someone who I can have her back, who I can trust, who I know won't fuck up, and so on, so I can offer that in return too. This is by far the rarest thing I can perceive as of now in my young days. I don't know, I'm not a vast connoisseur of the nature of the universe, someone probably figured this out. I did not. What I see is that they all want to be fixed. They want to be helped, they want to be pleased, and they don't give much in return. They want love, affection and sex because they are irresistible in their minds, not because we're in this together, not because those are our means to our end, and our end is to be together. They want you, not because of the nature of you, but because of what you can provide. Because of what you can be for them. Not because of who you are to yourself. A man seems to be only the means.
I find this terribly sad. I know it cannot be like this with every woman, but it is with most of who are available. By available I mean 20-35, not a fatass, with half a brain and who can relate to me in some way (ex: not a martian). Some of them don't even seem to be conscious of their own nature. Of they way they operate. Its terrifying. There's no use fighting evolutionary psychology. Rich men will always have lots of women throwing themselves at them, but something is wrong. I don't what, I don't know how to fix it, but something is wrong. Perhaps it is just the nature of life, trying to get by with the least amount of energy, and I'm just making drama out of all this.
I had this rather lengthy thought because yesterday my male friends met some girls girls at said party, and I browsed around the internet for them and they have the, hm, "internet-impression" I'm calling it of total whores. This one has an avatar of red lips swallowing a banana and the other one has a saying that goes "2011 - year of the rabbit. Use condoms". Now what in Dawkins' name is that? What's up with all the attention whoring? Why trying to look like something I hope you're not? And if you are, just... fuck man. I see so many other things to life than a mouth swallowing a banana man. I just can't quite grasp all this. This pleasure seeking seems void to me.
Some of the things men do I can relate with. Like the ones I do myself, such as understanding machines for the sake of it. But women are incomprehensible on their pursuits to me.
Which finally made me conclude: I know why you are alone, Mr. Calvo. You are alone because you want it. You don't want to want it, but you do. And you want it because its the best move you can make: To remain on your own. Because the company of red-lips-on-banana ain't getting you anywhere. And it bothers you so much because you have somewhere to be. And you are in a damn hurry.
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