Can't really bother to see which day is today.

I'm about to write about this for sometime but it keep letting it go... Not today.

I feel ruthless.
Almost on the verge of being cruel.

Can you remember Col. Quaritch from Avatar? He's ruthless. He's a bit too awesome for a meaningful comparison, but he's ruthless as hell.

I can almost understand why some people with a very strong need to succeed end up being ruthless. Its hard to understand those things until you end up on a position where failure is not acceptable. It can even be acceptable to others, but it is not for yourself. The day you find yourself on a large enterprise that you CANNOT let go bad because that's what you agreed with yourself, shits is most likely to get ruthless at some point.

That's a bit how I feel. I have to get my certs, move to another country and get a job. This is my life. My little big plan. Its a bold plan. How many 21 year olds you know these days that are driven as fuck to get an enterprise certification by themselves and then move to another country and gamble employment? Not as many as there should be, lemme tell you.

I don't wanna over dramatize my balls, but you need big balls to do that. And its not the "Woah, that's bold!" thing. Its the time it takes. Its the iron mind it takes. Its the waking up everyday during months to study the same damn thing, day after day, everning after evening. And the doubt that tries to sets in. And the risk of it all going wrong in the long run. And another more day, studying the same things. Being ruthless is not about one insane move, its about hundreds of them, and mad, mad plans.

That's how I feel. The more the shits hit the fan, the harder I get. Its backfiring a bit, I'm not sleeping well and being a bit rude. But oh well, I can't improve linearly all the time.

I'm proud of where this is going though, even if it goes to hell.

18/03/2011. Day 20/21

I have little to say. Spent too much time on darknets. They're not worth that much. I can't concentrate myself well enough on studies, I'm moving too slow, too tired, too heavy.

I don't have much to say. So I'll leave a badass quote which has been on my mind for a while:

Price: The healthy human mind doesn't wake up in the morning thinking this is it's last day on Earth. But I think that's a luxury, not a curse. To know you're close to the end is a kind of freedom. Good time to take... inventory. Outgunned. Outnumbered. Out of our minds on a suicide mission, but the sands and rocks here stained with thousands of years of warfare... they will remember us for this. Because out of all our vast array of nightmares, this is the one we choose for ourselves. We go forward like a breath exhaled from the Earth. With vigor in our hearts and one goal in sight: We will kill him.

16/03/2011. Day 15/16/17/18/19

Wild days man, wild days.

I managed to get into a darknet. You read about it in many places on the internet but you never find one. Well, I found one. They're not as exciting as they seem. So I spent most of the time talking to people, making things work and seeing how everything functioned. Time flew, two or three days merged completely. Also, someone setup a decent FTP on the /g/ board, I spent a lot of time trying to get my VPS to write on it, figuring out what worked best, what didn't work... etc. A lot didn't work because the connection between the VPS I own and the FTP is terrible. I have to get a better VPS. I'm sadly better of uploading things from my own home after all. Uploading a 2.2GB mp4 rip of Natural Born Killers, ETA 22h. One does what one can.

I also went crazy on perl. I spent something close to two days writing a client-server program that handles multiple connections. Its not rocket science, but I'm not a programmer in the first place. Its currently working, I even mailed the beginner mailing list on which I got some rather retarded answers. I still have to develop it further though.

And LPI? Close to nothing. I'm on some boring chapter about setting up network interfaces and routing and all that boring stuff. Its boring because I've done it over 9000 times. I have to start pushing a bit faster on it, even if I end up skipping a couple of things. There's just so much going on and I'm learning so much, LPI seems terribly boring and useless at this point. Which it isn't. Oh, life.

My training is going good too. I'm running like crazy and I managed to do a nice chest/triceps/abs workout yesterday, tried new exercises. Today I'll try to find a way to do a hard back workout.

Oh and Atlas Shrugged. Very awesome and very motivational book. What I've read on the last days? Nothing. There's just so many cool things going on, its hard to allocate time for everything.

I'm probably forgetting something. Can't recall everything.

I think I'll go outside and look at nothing for a while and think of what to do next. Its a very beautiful day.

11/03/2011. Day 14.

A resonable day.

Managed to run on the rain and everything. Ran pretty fast, satisfied.

I couldn't concentrate much during the day while finishing a perl chapter and starting another chapter on LPI. I did study a reasonable amount, not too little, but not too much either. But something missed. It didn't get to the desired level of awesomeness.

I feel like the last days have been too slow, too grey, too mild... I don't like this. They're looking all the same. I'm not going to bed with that "fuck yeah" feeling., I saw a video today from Sgt.. Ken about all his fitness training and discipline and all of that. I felt ashamed of myself. I'm letting myself get too distracted, I'm accomplishing decently, but I could be accomplishing much more. This seems needs some fixing.

Tomorrow I'm up 8am, again. Sadly, in none of the past days I actually managed to wake up 8am. Its always between 9 and 11. This is not right. This is not what I aimed for. I am unhappy about this. I fear being too perfectionist, but hopefully this is not a case.

Tomorrow I'll wake up 8am and do something crazy, like push ups maybe. Then study time will be study time, nothing else. I'll try hard this time, see if I can get somewhere better than where I am now.

10/03/2011. Day 13.

Woke up 8am, tired. Slept till 11am. Did absolutely nothing but fuck around until 14h.

Went out with mom, made some random bank deposit, got the computer fans, went to the supermarket. Got back home, spent some hours trying to manage the best noise/cooling setup. Finish it. Wander around the internet for the rest of the night. Tired. Going to bed.

Tomorrow, moar. And massive suicidal workout, finish the current perl chapter, start lpi networking, fuck yeah.

09/03/2011. Day 12.

Short post today.

Almost died from sleep during the whole day. I think it has to do with eating too little. I'm eating well, but too little. I'm training too hard for too little food it seems. Tomorrow I'll eat like an animal, see if this improves.

I'll go to sleep right now too, can't stay up for too long.

I fixed my pullup bar (its even now), shaved my head (thanks mom) and read some newspapers from spain. I could only progress through 10 pages of perl today, mostly due to the whole sleepness thing. I couldn't concentrate, at all. I got pissed off, but well.

Also, I ran like crazy today. I don't know what happened, I ran hilariously fast and then had to stop, I almost bursted. Almost. Tomorrow I'll try again.

Tomorrow I'll also go get the computer fans I've been waiting for. Its gonna be a productive day I hope.