08/03/2011. Day 11.

dayToday I'm posting a bit earlier, I'm not doing to usual midnight post, its 19:40 now.

I had a couple of thoughts yesterday night before sleeping and today throughout the day. Mainly regarding the company of others and my sense of purpose.

Last night I was invited to party on a friends workplace, it was his boss' birthday. He said it would be pretty cool, I took his word for it, but didn't go. Another close friend of mine also went there and did the usual to try and convince me but it was of no use, I had decided already, I was to stay at home.

Now why did I stay at home? I stayed at home because I needed to study. I needed to focus. I needed to do what I had to do. I'm on a mission. Its the mission of my of life! I can't go around partying like there's no tomorrow. For the things I need to do and for the time I have, Its like there is no tomorrow already.

This is where I see myself most differently from others my age. They look strange, like aimless pleasure seekers, just grabbing the next thing that comes by and trying to squeeze some joy out of it. Like if they didnt' know what they were doing on a big picture. I'm not saying I never saw them study, I'm saying I never saw them skip a party to study. Not because they had to, but because they were driven. Because their mind was so ironed that it was the thing that had to be done, and parties, beers and titties would have to wait their turn. I'm not praising obsession, I'm remarking the lack of drive to things other than immediate pleasure. There's no mission, no drive, no constant improvement, no pride over shed blood. This for me is half life missing already

That's one thing, and I'm talking about my friends. My male friends. The other thing is about women in general. They seem so broken these days. I can't find one who has a some intelligence AND emotional firmness. I'm not asking for a wall of bricks, those are boring. I'm asking for someone stable mentally. Who has their shit together. Who knows what she wants.

You see, when I see women I tend to think of a partner. Not something equal to me, but a partner. Someone who I can help, and someone who can help me. Someone who I can have her back, who I can trust, who I know won't fuck up, and so on, so I can offer that in return too. This is by far the rarest thing I can perceive as of now in my young days. I don't know, I'm not a vast connoisseur of the nature of the universe, someone probably figured this out. I did not. What I see is that they all want to be fixed. They want to be helped, they want to be pleased, and they don't give much in return. They want love, affection and sex because they are irresistible in their minds, not because we're in this together, not because those are our means to our end, and our end is to be together. They want you, not because of the nature of you, but because of what you can provide. Because of what you can be for them. Not because of who you are to yourself. A man seems to be only the means.

I find this terribly sad. I know it cannot be like this with every woman, but it is with most of who are available. By available I mean 20-35, not a fatass, with half a brain and who can relate to me in some way (ex: not a martian). Some of them don't even seem to be conscious of their own nature. Of they way they operate. Its terrifying. There's no use fighting evolutionary psychology. Rich men will always have lots of women throwing themselves at them, but something is wrong. I don't what, I don't know how to fix it, but something is wrong. Perhaps it is just the nature of life, trying to get by with the least amount of energy, and I'm just making drama out of all this.

I had this rather lengthy thought because yesterday my male friends met some girls girls at said party, and I browsed around the internet for them and they have the, hm, "internet-impression" I'm calling it of total whores. This one has an avatar of red lips swallowing a banana and the other one has a saying that goes "2011 - year of the rabbit. Use condoms". Now what in Dawkins' name is that? What's up with all the attention whoring? Why trying to look like something I hope you're not? And if you are, just... fuck man. I see so many other things to life than a mouth swallowing a banana man. I just can't quite grasp all this. This pleasure seeking seems void to me.

Some of the things men do I can relate with. Like the ones I do myself, such as understanding machines for the sake of it. But women are incomprehensible on their pursuits to me.

Which finally made me conclude: I know why you are alone, Mr. Calvo. You are alone because you want it. You don't want to want it, but you do. And you want it because its the best move you can make: To remain on your own. Because the company of red-lips-on-banana ain't getting you anywhere. And it bothers you so much because you have somewhere to be. And you are in a damn hurry.

07/03/2011. Day 10.

I didn't post yesterday, I was too tired. I think I'm half with a floo and also tired because I'm trying to get my sleep pattern right. I used to wake up midday and go to sleep 3-5am. Now I'm going to bed at 1am and waking up at 9am. Its not as drastic as whatever but its still tough. I didn't manage to study, write or nothing yesterday. I was like a zombie, pushing forward but not moving. That made me angry.

But I woke up feeling well today. I managed to study a satisfactory (wrote to pages maybe) and by tomorrow I shall finish LVM which is by far one of the biggest and most boring subjects on that certification. After that the content changes to network configuration, those are more generalistic and useful, I know them pretty well.

With luck. Wait, no luck. If I manage to do everything well I'll wake up in time tomorrow and have a productive day. I'll enforce the 6 hour study time limit in order to better manage my study time (no interruptions). If I don't limit myself I'll spend all day and night studying and that just doesn't work for more than three or four days. I have a couple of months ahead still.

Alrite, I'll go have a bath, shave, read and roll around on bed till I sleep. Today was a so-so day, I'm having trouble on having continuance on awesome days. I can only have two or three per week and the rest of the time I'm just dead tired and can't accomplish nothing. I'll try new things tomorrow and see if I can get myself to some point of sustainable awesomeness.

Good night.

05/03/2011. Day 8.

I'm tired, but I'm okay. Had a mediocre day, studied without much intensity.

Did fifty burpees in twenty minutes though. I'm dead.

Not much today, tomorrow, 9am.

04/03/2011. Day 7.

It was set to be awesome day, but I woke up finished already.

8am, the bastard rang unmercifully. I sat at my bed and damn, I was tired. I wasn't just lazy tired, no, I was truly exausted. I needed rest. So I slept until kinda around 10am and left bed to eat breakfast. I can't clearly remember what happened next, I remember checking email and the usual starting-the-day stuff. Then I got to drill some extra holes on sisters' pc so that the side panel could actually close (the case is almost old as I am) and I fixed the cars window too. It fell inside the door, the electric engine that opens and closes the glass is broken, so for some reason the window fell open. Well, it won't open any more, but its closed at least.

At 15h I went off to study and it just didn't happen. I couldn't think properly at all. I was too tired, I just noticed I studied a lot for four days in a row, this was bound to happen. So at 17h I accepted my fate, I could do nothing else but rest today. And accepting the fact that I had to rest made me less tired already. I playes some SC2, some crysis, took a shower, its 21am and here I am. I'm gonna finish this, brush my teeth, take a piss and go read moar Ayn Rand.

03/03/2011. Day 6.

Failed the awesome day wake-up call from the alarm. I'm so awesome I managed to shut it down. Sleeping. I don't even recall doing it. So I woke up mid-day feeling "OH FUCK, WHAT HAS HAPPENED!". Well, what happened is that you did not wake up, lazy twat.

So the day started at midday and I chilled around a bit, ate my toasts with butter, ate some milk with more powder milk and some oatmeal (we're out of yogurts) which tastes almost good and went back to my room. Sometime around 15h the Perl train got back in business. I studied until 20h when faced with a seemingly impossible to solve (read: me not knowing the language shortcuts) hash problem. At 20h I gave up, read the answer and went "oh, he didn't teach that." but I wasn't angry. Then It was time to chill out. I played some Starcraft 2, its getting a bit boring already. I didn't workout today because the burpee workout (which I have been postponing) is scheduled to tomorrow. And since I miserably failed awesome-day wake-up call today (a serious offense to the universe) I'm going to try and do burpees IN THE MORNING. I am very slow on mornings. This cannot possibly go well, I'm excited already. Okay, now that I'm seriously thinking of, this might actually be a bad idea. We'll see how things roll tomorrow. Maybe I get to feel invencible, but I doubt that.

But anyway after playing SC2 it was 23h and I didn't know what to do. I ended up starting the first chapter on regular expressions and finishing it around 00:40. I'm on page 117. On day two. Tomorrow things will probably slow down a bit since I'll stumple upon some difficult things. Or I'll go crazy and do a whole chapter for LPI. Yeah, the latter seems more likely.

Its 01am and I have to shave and go read, then sleep. I'm with a video on Youtube on another tab with a guy named Martin Tallstrom playing Forever Young. Such beautiful piece. Working with what you like sure is awesome, but man, you gotta stop to see the world turn sometime.

02/03/2011. Day 5.

Rather slow day. Woke up very late. Drank my coffe at my table, checked emails, slashdot, 4chan, chilled out a bit, made a couple of long farts and mumbled "meh".

At 16h things started to get going, after many days of "Its not time yet to decide that" I finally got back to Perl. Since I'm studying a lot and studying is my only mission, if I wanna get proficient in Perl, the time is now. And its such an awesome language -- if you're going to program and you're not at least acquaintanced with Perl -- you're offending the universe.

Tomorrow I intend to study a bit more of Perl and keep going. I wanna see if I can do some regexps on Apache logs and blacklist IPs or something of that nature. And do that on TCPdump too, to see whats happening. This remembered me that after all headaches, stresses and everything, I enjoy making technology work immensely.

Today I had a brief moment of questioning my goals. They're fine goals, but they're hard and they take long to accomplish. Too hard and too long and you'll start questioning your choices somewhere down the road. I talked with mom a bit and it seems it was just doubt-vulgaris, nothing serious.

I just remembered I ought to take pictures of some things I want to post here. I'll go take some tomorrow and post them here slowly. Most of them were broken things I fixed. Well, most of them were broken things not meant to be fixed. That's the beauty of it.

I'll go to bed and read Ayn Rand - Attlas Shrugged. I bought it mainly for the philosophy whilist thinking "well, this might be a tad hard to digest" but no! Its so well written! Its awesome to read and its easy going. Philosophy set asside, seems like a good novel. I'm only thirty pages into it, so I can't say much for now.

Today also the rope on my pushup bar broke. I managed to get some spare and fix it in 10 minutes or so. That deserves a picture as well. There will be one then.

Alright, not such a bad day now that I look at it. Tomorrow is awesome day again. The clock is set. 8am. I know him, and he is not mercyful. I better go to bed already.

01/03/2011. Day 4.

I made a callendar for this month, I named it"Calendar of Awesome". Just looking a it makes me chuckle. I forgot to write yesterday. I studied a lot, whole day. I did get a lot of satisfaction from it, and the fact that I was completely exausted by night showed that I was productive. Then gamed my ass until 3am or so. Woke up late as hell today, teached sister the fine art of coffee-making. Today is another day, I'll write about today later on.

I did promise myself about it being "A day worth being lived" and that it was. I must learn how to do that for every day.